Attention Liberals: We Are Part of the Problem

I've been thinking a lot about the election over the last three days, as have many of us. I was excited at the prospect of a female president. To be honest, I had hoped we would reach that milestone with a woman who was known solely for her contributions and not initially as the wife of a prominent figure. Before this is misconstrued, let me say that I adore Hillary Clinton, and I have since the 1990s. However, too often in our history, women have achieved great things because of their relationships with men. A prime example is Miriam A. Ferguson, the first female governor of Texas. She was married to a governor who was impeached and unable to run again. She claimed she would follow her husband's advice, and she was elected. When women were granted the right to vote in the United States, one of the arguments in favor of women's suffrage was that women would be voting with their husbands, thus essentially granting married men two votes. Right now these things seem ludicrous, of course. If Hillary had won, a part of me would have always wondered if it was because the American people believed in her ability to govern or if they were only voting for a woman because her husband had held the office twice before.

This is not the subject of this blog entry, however, so I must get to the point: we lost. We lost to someone who, by all of our own measures, should not have been running. This has caused a great deal of concern for many people living in this country (and abroad), and I myself share those concerns. I am in no way dismissing those concerns. People feel threatened, and those are valid feelings. People feel as though years of progress will be undone, and based upon the President-Elect's own campaign message, those are reasonable assumptions to make. However, we do not yet know what is going to happen once Donald Trump takes the oath of office. Some may argue that we do not yet know how the Electoral College will vote, but I do not believe they will break with years of tradition. I also acknowledge that if the situation were reversed, I would not want the losing party's supporters to be calling for this kind of action against the winning candidate. I am confident my fellow Democrats and liberals would agree with me, however unlikely they may be to admit it.

Now I have reached the subject of this entry: liberals. For many, this has become a four-letter word. I consider myself a liberal person, and I'm sure those who have met me would agree with my assessment. However, I am not blind to our shortcomings. We can say what we want about this election and about this campaign, but at the end of the day - election day to be exact - Donald Trump won. He won. He received the required electoral votes (270) to be claimed the victor. Some people reading this may not like that, but that is the system that was in place when he ran for the office, and that is the system under which he won the election. If this changes in the future, that still will not change the fact that in 2016 Donald Trump won the presidential election fair and square. For the rest of this blog entry, I will try to highlight some of the reasons I believe he won, and I will try to suggest ways in which we - liberals, Democrats, whatever label we want to use - can prevent this kind of loss in the future.

We must stop calling our opposition stupid. Or ignorant. Or redneck. Or whatever our current euphemism is. Nobody likes to be told that they are stupid. Nobody likes to be talked down to. Nobody wants to be told that their beliefs and opinions are invalid because they don't know any better. If we want to make changes in this country, we need to win elections. We cannot do that if we treat everyone as though we are more enlightened than they are. Think back to your high school days. Was the class president the smartest person in your grade? Probably not. It was probably someone who was popular - someone who knew how to make and keep friends. It was probably someone who was good at getting people to like him/her.

I understand why liberals do this. I catch myself doing it sometimes, although I try not to. I lived in Tennessee for 31 years of my life. As one can imagine, I was much more liberal than the average Tennessean. I am far more liberal than most - if not all - of the members of my family. I was also considerably more liberal than the majority of my classmates and coworkers. I am also a graduate student, working toward a PhD in applied mathematics. Therefore, I am also more educated (at least, formally) than many of these people. However, that does not necessarily mean that I am liberal because I am more educated. It doesn't even mean that I am smarter than they are. It just means I have a few more pieces of paper validating my education, and in a few years, I'll have a few extra letters at the end of my name: Wendy K. Caldwell, PhD.

What I try to do - and what I think we should all do - is to educate those around us. And we need to do this in a way that isn't patronizing or demeaning. If we do truly believe we are more enlightened (and plenty of us do), then it is our obligation to enlighten others. We don't do this by posting angrily on Facebook or by telling people that they are wrong. We do this by example. We do this by showing others why we believe what we believe. We gain their trust by showing them that we are trustworthy, that we are competent, that we are compassionate. We demonstrate that we are inclusive by including the very people we see as not being inclusive. What we do not do - what we cannot do - is belittle others by putting on airs of intellectual superiority. This has not worked, and it will not work. Nobody likes a know-it-all, even if they are right.

We must stop treating minorities as though they have no voice of their own. We do this with good intentions, but that doesn't negate the message. I've seen evidence of this a lot lately, and it hasn't died down since the election. We pride ourselves on being sympathetic (and empathetic) to the plights of minorities. Far too often, however, we take this to the extreme. We want social justice and equality for everyone. If we believe a certain group is denied this, we go ballistic. We rant and rave about how this group needs our help and we must stand up to this injustice once and for all.

I understand this outrage. It is hard to live with injustice (or even just perceived injustice). Like I said, we have good intentions. But what makes us think that whatever group we think is being oppressed needs us to stand up for them? Why do we automatically assume they cannot stand up for themselves? Why do we feel the need to crusade for every cause? Why do we feel that we are qualified to do this?

What I propose we do is to reach out to those groups. We should talk to them, sure, but we should listen more. We should hear their concerns, and we should acknowledge them. Then we should ask in what ways, if any, we can help. We have all felt marginalized at some point, I am sure. And if we are part of a marginalized group, then by all means, we should speak up about what this means to us. But we should not presume that we can understand and speak for the marginalization of every demographic.

I am a woman in a STEM (science, technology, engineering, and mathematics) field. I have experienced gender bias at many levels and on many occasions. I have felt marginalized in my chosen field a number of times - too many to count. If someone asks me about being a woman in STEM, I could give a long, eloquent response about my personal experiences. However, if someone wants to discuss being a racial minority or a homosexual or an immigrant, I have no personal experience to provide a good frame of reference. I can speak about how I have seen others mistreated for those reasons. I can mention friends I have who have experienced discrimination. But I myself cannot truly understand how that feels, and I am certainly not qualified to speak on behalf of the feelings of racial minorities, homosexuals, immigrants, or any other group that I am not a part of. I am not so enlightened that I can automatically understand every individual's unique human experience. But I can listen, and if asked, the best I can hope for is to adequately convey what others have told me that they feel or think.

We must stop neglecting the majority. We've gotten so caught up in our enlightened crusades that we've forgotten that not everyone fits into one of these demographics that we are so apt to try and rescue. In an ideal society, every citizen votes. Everyone. And that means that if we expect to win elections, we certainly cannot neglect half of the voters just because they have a certain kind of privilege, skin color, or social class. Ironically, we are often striving for equality among people of all levels of privilege, of all skin colors, and of all social classes.

I realize this stance may be a bit unpopular, but we have to live in reality. I've spent a lot of time reflecting over the last few days, and I've heard this subject come up more than once, and it was done so by the latest liberal villain: the privileged white man. Donald Trump overwhelming won the white vote (men and women). Of course, the natural response is to say he won the racist vote. That is probably true, as several known racist groups endorsed him. However, not everyone who voted for him is racist (I'll get to that later). If this is the case, why did white Americans come out in such large numbers in support of him?

There are many reasons, I am sure, but one of the main ones is probably that he validated their concerns instead of dismissing them. Yes, having white skin in this country affords one certain privileges. I, for instance, have been pulled over by police officers many times. Never once have I felt that my life was in danger. Never once have I been afraid of anything other than the cost of the ticket, which I usually do not even get. I recognize this is largely due to the way I look, and there is nothing I can do about that. However, that does not mean I do not have problems that should be taken seriously.

We have gotten into the unseemly habit of making a contest out of people's struggles. Sure, that middle-aged white man who has been unemployed for 8 months has it rough, but think of how much worse it would be for him if he were an Hispanic woman. Of course it would be more difficult. We usually learn growing up that someone always has it better than we do, and someone always has it worse. But how is saying that going to help that man get a job? It won't. Sure, it would be harder if he were Hispanic and a women, but he isn't. He is unemployed. That is his concern. Why can't that be concerning for us, too?

The bottom line is that privilege does exist, and it would be negligent and irresponsible of us not to acknowledge that. However, a person can be afforded all kinds of privilege and still have a shitty life. An individual with privilege did not ask for that privilege - it is often (I shy away from using the word "always") due to circumstances beyond his or her control, much like the same circumstances that pose undue hardships on other individuals. We can acknowledge privilege without telling people their concerns aren't important because someone else has it worse.

We must stop generalizing others based upon the worst members in their groups. This has been the one thing I've seen most often since the election. Yes, Donald Trump said some terrible (and terrifying) things during the campaign. Yes, some of those things were so repulsive to us that we could not imagine how anyone could support him. Yes, racists endorsed him. Yes, misogynists supported him. Yes, I understand how having a friend or a loved one vote for a man you feel represents everything wrong with society can be very scary and lonely and disgusting. Someone actually did "grab me by the pussy" (among other things he did), and I have friends and loved ones who knew this about me and still voted for Trump. Did it feel like I didn't matter to them? Of course it did. Did I feel as though they were dismissing my past by voting for this man? Absolutely. Am I going to cut them out of my life? Of course not.

There are many reasons I voted for Hillary Clinton. There are many reasons I did not vote for Donald Trump. I assume that the Trump supporters in my life voted for him for many reasons and had as many reasons for not voting for Clinton. I have never voted for a candidate based on one single issue or statement, and I assume that they do not do that either. I am sure some of them wonder why I voted for Hillary Clinton when, according to their views, she so clearly violated the trust of the American people. I do not see that as the case, but that is my view and that was my vote. They have their own views and beliefs that shape their votes.

To claim that all of his supporters are racists or misogynists or any other kind of -ist just gives us another way in which we can claim to be superior to everyone else, and it does not win us any votes in the future. Instead of assuming the worst, we should try listening to Trump's supporters. What were they looking for in a candidate? What was it about Trump's message that spoke to them and motivated them to vote? What didn't they like about Hillary Clinton? What could she have done to win their support? If the answer is something like "a woman shouldn't be President" or "white people need to take over the country," then of course those are votes we are not going to get (nor should we want them). But if we actually listen to people who voted for Trump, I bet we will hear a lot of frustration.

Yes, unemployment is down considerably. But there are still unemployed people, and those people are probably frustrated. Health care is more affordable and available for a lot of people, but for some, it is more expensive. Presidents have the power to nominate Supreme Court justices, and some people will vote Republican simply to ensure a more socially conservative court. The point is, there are a number of factors that influence a voter's decision. We need to give voters a reason to vote for our candidates instead of just giving them reasons not to vote for someone else.

We must commit to real change. We have to go all-in. If I have learned anything from this election, it is that simply voting and making a few campaign contributions is not enough. If we do not like the results of the election, we need to do something about it. I don't just mean making signs and protesting. I mean something that will last much longer than a few column inches or a 2-minute local news blurb. We need to get involved at all levels of government.

If you are someone who is passionate about your political beliefs, do something about it. Work or volunteer for a campaign. Find a candidate who truly inspires you. Run for office. Infiltrate everywhere. No position is too insignificant to make a difference. Join your local party. Contact your representatives (both nationally and locally). Get to know the people in your community. Listen to their concerns. Ask how you can help. Be genuine - people will be able to tell if you are not. Do whatever it takes.

There are many maps floating around showing various "what if" scenarios for this election. If only people under the age of 50 had voted, Hillary Clinton would have won in a landslide. The future for liberal Americans is a bright one, and it starts now. We have to get excited. We have to choose candidates that excite our voter base. We have to get everyone involved. Even during an election this heated, only about 55% of Americans of voting age actually voted. I doubt this is because they did not know there was an election. Perhaps they did not like either candidate. Perhaps they are jaded and do not think their vote actually counts. Perhaps no one has ever asked them what they care about and what changes they would like to see.

The phrase "Decisions are made by those who show up" has been attributed to many, so I am not sure who originally said it, but it rings as true now as it ever did. This year, the people who showed up made their decision. If we are going to have the chance to build the America that we wish to leave behind for future generations, we have got to show up.

And if anyone from the DNC happens to be reading this, it would be an honor to be on your payroll.

Sexual Assault Rapes Your Soul: What They Don't Tell You

I couldn't think of a better title, or maybe I could but didn't want to. This is a hard place to start, but after everything that has gone on recently, it seemed fitting that I actually told some of this story. Not the details of what happened - no one wants to read that, and I sure don't want to write it. But the aftermath is important, and that's what no one tells you about.

So, here's what you need to know to understand this story. I dated a guy when I was 20. Let's call him The Devil. He was a black belt. I was 103 pounds. He physically and sexually assaulted me (no, not rape, in case you were wondering). The next semester, I went to the counseling center, and they sent me to a male therapist, which to this day I cannot wrap my brain around. I also talked to a campus police officer, who said I could file a report and maybe get a TRO, but that would be really hard to enforce on campus. Also, unless he admitted it, they wouldn't be able to do anything about it. Thanks, legal system!

All of that is terrible enough as it is, but there are lasting effects that I was not prepared for. And, in case someone in this situation reads this, or in case I need to read this again for myself, I wanted to try to explain all of the things I wish I had known to expect.

Sexual assault is neither temporary nor permanent. It's true. It exists is some weird ether that haunts you and ignores you. Sometimes, you're fine. It's like it never happened, except it did, and you know it did, but you eventually start thinking about other things. Then, at seemingly random times (for me, today), it follows you around like a dark cloud, looming over only you and everything you do and think and are. And then you'll be fine again.

I can't explain why. And I don't know if it's the same for everyone. For me, it's largely out of mind at this point. It's been 13 years. 98 to 99 percent of the time I function just like another adult. I didn't get to this point accidentally. It took a lot of work, a lot of therapy, and a lot of forgiveness (mostly forgiving myself). But all of that is probably something someone will tell you. "If you go to therapy, it will help." Yes, that's true. It does help. But they don't tell you that even if you go to therapy and do everything they tell you to do, you will still have a day when you can't stop crying.

This will affect all of your future relationships. I'm not sure I would have wanted someone to tell me this, because reading it is so terrifying. But it is true. I don't mean you can't have future relationships - you certainly can. But the way in which you view those relationships will change. The way you determine suitable partners will change. The physical aspects of your relationships will change, as will the emotional ones.

One of the first things I consider now is how easily a man could overpower me. Second, I try to determine how likely he is to do that (of course, I don't have a crystal ball, and I've been wrong about this before). I pay much more attention to things like control, expressing anger (in healthy or unhealthy ways), how he treats other people (especially women). I'm basically looking for any sign that he might view some people as objects, or that he doesn't deem all people worthwhile. It sure was nice to only care about what color eyes he had or did he laugh at my jokes. Muscles that used to indicate athleticism can now be a threat to my safety. I take nothing for granted anymore.

Then there is the whole sex thing. I was a virgin when I was assaulted, but I have since, on occasion, had a healthy sex life. This was not without consequence. One thing about traumatic events is their ability to create psychological triggers. The interesting part of this is that you don't actually know what they are until someone triggers you. So you could be having sex with your current boyfriend and then suddenly your mind is back to your assault. Then you say something like "Just get it over with," which is totally not a turn-on for your boyfriend, and now you have to explain that, no, you weren't talking to him, even though he is the only other person in the room.

Once you learn your triggers, it's easier to avoid them. I know what mine are, and I always make sure my partners are aware as well. But that's not a fun conversation. It's pretty heavy subject matter. Do I have one-night stands? Absolutely not. Even if I wanted to (it's not my style), who wants to have to tell a random guy at a bar what their triggers are? It's a conversation that needs to happen, yet having it, I feel far more vulnerable than I do when I'm actually naked with a guy.

You will blame yourself, even though it is not your fault. This may not be true for everyone, but I have yet to meet someone who has been sexually assaulted and hasn't, at least once, wondered what they did wrong. It doesn't help that victim blaming is a very public thing right now (which is part of why I am writing this in the first place). The truth is, this is something you will replay in your head again and again. Each time, you will wonder what you could have done to prevent the assault from happening. Let me save you some time: NOTHING. You could have done nothing.

The truth is, there is no way to know. If you had fought back, maybe you could have stopped it. Maybe your attacker would have been even more aggressive. There is no way to know. During the assault, your body was in response mode (fight, flight, or freeze). You did what you assessed to be the best response in that situation at that time. Maybe on a different day, you would have reacted differently. Maybe not. But no matter what you had done, if someone was really determined to assault you, they would have found a way to succeed. You cannot control another's actions.

Sexual assault is not about sex; it's about power. This is for all of those who immediately ask what someone was wearing during the time of the assault. It doesn't matter. Sexual violence is not about sexual desire. People who commit these crimes choose their targets in a calculated way (usually). It isn't the pretty girl in the miniskirt with perfect posture most of the time. It's someone who seems distracted, or looks like (s)he lacks confidence, or someone with any number of traits that an attacker is looking for. No one is "asking for it." No one's sexual history is ready to assume (s)he "had it coming."

Being in touch with your own sexuality does not make you more likely to be assaulted. It doesn't mean that if you get assaulted that you deserve it. It does not make it OK for someone else to take advantage of your body just because you've decided to share it willingly with others. And being sexually assaulted does not mean you are damaged. You will feel that way, a lot at first and then less later, but it is not true.

Your confidence will be shattered, and it will take a long time to recover. This has been one of the most frustrating long-term effects for me. I used to be so confident. I had such high self-esteem. I thought I was pretty great (I was). Then this happened to me, with a guy I asked out (not the other way around). Naturally, I began to question my own decision-making skills. How had I been so wrong? Why didn't I see it coming? How could I trust men again, but more importantly, how could I trust myself?

This one still eats at me from time to time. When I find myself getting closer to a man, that's when the doubts start creeping in. I try to push them aside. I'm not talking about the actual warning signs that go off - I listen to those always. I'm talking about questioning myself and losing confidence, which sometimes has the added benefit of coming with a side dish of self-loathing. That is what I tried to ignore. I asked out the wrong guy once. That doesn't mean I'll never make a sound dating decision again. It doesn't mean that every guy I ask out is going to end up treating me like The Devil. But it is hard to get past that doubt.

Depression, anger, fear, shame, guilt - all of these are normal. It seems that sexual assault really brings out all of your emotions, even ones you don't really have a name for. It seems to do this sometimes in a cycle and sometimes at random, and there seems to be no way around it. It's like that bear hunt thing you did as a kid: You can't go over, can't go under it, can't go around it - you have to go through it.

The good(ish) news is that I've gone through, as have countless other men, women, and children. So there is a way through it. It's just really hard and messy.