I couldn't think of a better title, or maybe I could but didn't want to. This is a hard place to start, but after everything that has gone on recently, it seemed fitting that I actually told some of this story. Not the details of what happened - no one wants to read that, and I sure don't want to write it. But the aftermath is important, and that's what no one tells you about.
So, here's what you need to know to understand this story. I dated a guy when I was 20. Let's call him The Devil. He was a black belt. I was 103 pounds. He physically and sexually assaulted me (no, not rape, in case you were wondering). The next semester, I went to the counseling center, and they sent me to a male therapist, which to this day I cannot wrap my brain around. I also talked to a campus police officer, who said I could file a report and maybe get a TRO, but that would be really hard to enforce on campus. Also, unless he admitted it, they wouldn't be able to do anything about it. Thanks, legal system!
All of that is terrible enough as it is, but there are lasting effects that I was not prepared for. And, in case someone in this situation reads this, or in case I need to read this again for myself, I wanted to try to explain all of the things I wish I had known to expect.
Sexual assault is neither temporary nor permanent. It's true. It exists is some weird ether that haunts you and ignores you. Sometimes, you're fine. It's like it never happened, except it did, and you know it did, but you eventually start thinking about other things. Then, at seemingly random times (for me, today), it follows you around like a dark cloud, looming over only you and everything you do and think and are. And then you'll be fine again.
I can't explain why. And I don't know if it's the same for everyone. For me, it's largely out of mind at this point. It's been 13 years. 98 to 99 percent of the time I function just like another adult. I didn't get to this point accidentally. It took a lot of work, a lot of therapy, and a lot of forgiveness (mostly forgiving myself). But all of that is probably something someone will tell you. "If you go to therapy, it will help." Yes, that's true. It does help. But they don't tell you that even if you go to therapy and do everything they tell you to do, you will still have a day when you can't stop crying.
This will affect all of your future relationships. I'm not sure I would have wanted someone to tell me this, because reading it is so terrifying. But it is true. I don't mean you can't have future relationships - you certainly can. But the way in which you view those relationships will change. The way you determine suitable partners will change. The physical aspects of your relationships will change, as will the emotional ones.
One of the first things I consider now is how easily a man could overpower me. Second, I try to determine how likely he is to do that (of course, I don't have a crystal ball, and I've been wrong about this before). I pay much more attention to things like control, expressing anger (in healthy or unhealthy ways), how he treats other people (especially women). I'm basically looking for any sign that he might view some people as objects, or that he doesn't deem all people worthwhile. It sure was nice to only care about what color eyes he had or did he laugh at my jokes. Muscles that used to indicate athleticism can now be a threat to my safety. I take nothing for granted anymore.
Then there is the whole sex thing. I was a virgin when I was assaulted, but I have since, on occasion, had a healthy sex life. This was not without consequence. One thing about traumatic events is their ability to create psychological triggers. The interesting part of this is that you don't actually know what they are until someone triggers you. So you could be having sex with your current boyfriend and then suddenly your mind is back to your assault. Then you say something like "Just get it over with," which is totally not a turn-on for your boyfriend, and now you have to explain that, no, you weren't talking to him, even though he is the only other person in the room.
Once you learn your triggers, it's easier to avoid them. I know what mine are, and I always make sure my partners are aware as well. But that's not a fun conversation. It's pretty heavy subject matter. Do I have one-night stands? Absolutely not. Even if I wanted to (it's not my style), who wants to have to tell a random guy at a bar what their triggers are? It's a conversation that needs to happen, yet having it, I feel far more vulnerable than I do when I'm actually naked with a guy.
You will blame yourself, even though it is not your fault. This may not be true for everyone, but I have yet to meet someone who has been sexually assaulted and hasn't, at least once, wondered what they did wrong. It doesn't help that victim blaming is a very public thing right now (which is part of why I am writing this in the first place). The truth is, this is something you will replay in your head again and again. Each time, you will wonder what you could have done to prevent the assault from happening. Let me save you some time: NOTHING. You could have done nothing.
The truth is, there is no way to know. If you had fought back, maybe you could have stopped it. Maybe your attacker would have been even more aggressive. There is no way to know. During the assault, your body was in response mode (fight, flight, or freeze). You did what you assessed to be the best response in that situation at that time. Maybe on a different day, you would have reacted differently. Maybe not. But no matter what you had done, if someone was really determined to assault you, they would have found a way to succeed. You cannot control another's actions.
Sexual assault is not about sex; it's about power. This is for all of those who immediately ask what someone was wearing during the time of the assault. It doesn't matter. Sexual violence is not about sexual desire. People who commit these crimes choose their targets in a calculated way (usually). It isn't the pretty girl in the miniskirt with perfect posture most of the time. It's someone who seems distracted, or looks like (s)he lacks confidence, or someone with any number of traits that an attacker is looking for. No one is "asking for it." No one's sexual history is ready to assume (s)he "had it coming."
Being in touch with your own sexuality does not make you more likely to be assaulted. It doesn't mean that if you get assaulted that you deserve it. It does not make it OK for someone else to take advantage of your body just because you've decided to share it willingly with others. And being sexually assaulted does not mean you are damaged. You will feel that way, a lot at first and then less later, but it is not true.
Your confidence will be shattered, and it will take a long time to recover. This has been one of the most frustrating long-term effects for me. I used to be so confident. I had such high self-esteem. I thought I was pretty great (I was). Then this happened to me, with a guy I asked out (not the other way around). Naturally, I began to question my own decision-making skills. How had I been so wrong? Why didn't I see it coming? How could I trust men again, but more importantly, how could I trust myself?
This one still eats at me from time to time. When I find myself getting closer to a man, that's when the doubts start creeping in. I try to push them aside. I'm not talking about the actual warning signs that go off - I listen to those always. I'm talking about questioning myself and losing confidence, which sometimes has the added benefit of coming with a side dish of self-loathing. That is what I tried to ignore. I asked out the wrong guy once. That doesn't mean I'll never make a sound dating decision again. It doesn't mean that every guy I ask out is going to end up treating me like The Devil. But it is hard to get past that doubt.
Depression, anger, fear, shame, guilt - all of these are normal. It seems that sexual assault really brings out all of your emotions, even ones you don't really have a name for. It seems to do this sometimes in a cycle and sometimes at random, and there seems to be no way around it. It's like that bear hunt thing you did as a kid: You can't go over, can't go under it, can't go around it - you have to go through it.
The good(ish) news is that I've gone through, as have countless other men, women, and children. So there is a way through it. It's just really hard and messy.
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